I have just passed day 10 of the 2015 Winter Feast (a 40 day meditation practice). This morning I hummed and hawed about doing 40 consecutive minutes to see what it would be like (I have been splitting the 40 minutes into two 20 minute sessions). When it came time to set my timer I just felt like I was forcing it, as though I wanted to test myself – note egoic challenge. I decided that I would do my 20 minute session and then see what I was moved to do after that. After the 20 I pulled my little bench back and entered child pose letting my back and shoulders just relax. Then I did a couple of shoulder stretches and found that I was moved to do another 20 minute session. So I set my bench back up, started the timer, and sank into another session. I was tempted to do another 20 after this second one, but my left shoulder asked for a rest. I don’t know what this shoulder thing is about, but I can feel a blockage in there; one of the gifts of meditation I believe.
After these back to back sessions I feel like I’ve been in a jacuzzi tub for my mind. It’s very relaxed and quiet.
I was asked, yesterday, what all this meditation is doing for me – am I quieter, more peaceful, is my mind sharper? – and I had to answer no. It was a good question. In the past, when I have taken on a meditation practice, I’ve noticed all those above mentioned things, but it is different now. Now I ask, what feels peaceful, what is quieter, what needs to be sharpened? Are these not tools for my egoic structure? When I sink into my being there is nothing that needs peace because I am peace. There is nothing that needs quiet because I am quiet. My natural state of being, when I’m not trying to be something or someone else, is peace, is love.
One interesting point for me in sharing this is, “then see what I was moved to after that”. To act from what I am moved to do comes from a different place within me than an agenda driven act. So in the above example I had an agenda with my idea of meditating for 40 minutes. There was something I wanted to test or prove to myself. It is subtle, and certainly not a universal truth, but for me this is the action of my ego. One of the practices I have had since last summer is listening from a different place within me. The question shows up as, “What am I moved to do in this moment?”. I am then invited to access something deeper within me which then guides my actions.
~Harold
Unleashing Your Potential 